Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
