I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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