i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
