I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
