my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
