Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
