if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
