my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
