So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
