On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Randomize
