That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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