what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
