then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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