I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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