My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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