So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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