i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
