nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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