Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
