Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
