Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
