you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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