John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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