His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She's the barista slut.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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