I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
