I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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