I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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