There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Randomize
