I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
