Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
