There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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