wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
