what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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