Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
