I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
