Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
