mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
