i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
