it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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