My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
