just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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