Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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