Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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