haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
