well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
