why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
