What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
And then he peed in my hair
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
