I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize