she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize