i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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