getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
