When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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