I just pynch a tree in the face
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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