wakey wakey hands off snakey
she smelled like a LAN party
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
