It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
