Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
