So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
