So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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