I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
